Death: The Final Frontier

When I was 19, and still a pre-nursing major, I took a Life Span Psychology class at Quad C. I loved it, it was fascinating, when it came to the time where half the class was puking and the other half was weeping during the childbirth video, I was on Team Tears. I'm always loved children in a way that I consider to be one of my true gifts, I don't have enough patience to finish the instructions to a Sudoku puzzle without getting frustrated, but when it comes to little humans I am infinitely understanding. This gift of mine, in true Libran, balance dominated fashion comes with a price. Old people terrify me. Death, mortality, the decay of mind and body are subjects that I don't deal with well. In the aforementioned class one of our last assignments was to write our own will and plan our own funerals. I couldn't do it. I just didn't turn it in.

I said the words "I'm going to die someday" for the first time in my life last week.

Needless to say, the recent events in my life have thrust me into a wilderness of emotion where I feel completely and utterly lost. I've always considered myself to be a very emotionally intelligent human being, but when it comes to the subject I am a kindergartener. No one is ever ready to lose a dear loved one, but I have been very fortunate in my life to have not had to face a loss of this magnitude in my near 26 years. I made the comparison today that it's like having chicken pox. The younger you get it, the less dangerous it is for you, but as an adult it can be pretty serious and detrimental. Coincidentally and somewhat ironically, I've also never had chickenpox.

So what do I do? Of course, I feel the need to write about it. My actor/artist obsession with the human condition makes me live in a constant state of self evaluation and gives me a strange need for documentation. So here I am. Trying, like I do every so often, to sort out my feelings via blog.

Also, I feel that this is an open letter to everyone that is dear to me, sort of a disclaimer or explanation of sorts. I'm lost right now. It's bleeding into other areas of my life and I feel like I'm walking around with my heart, gaping wide open, on the outside of my body. It's making me rash, destructive, it's making me reactionary and lonely, it's a fight between reclusion and codependency. I'm a mess, it's a mess and I ask for your love, patience, support, prayers, positive energy, juju, whatever it is you have to offer.

Family is the most important thing, it's the most important thing. I'm so lucky to have a large clan, blood related and otherwise. I'm so fortunate, and I love you all. Be well.