SUCK MY COCKTAIL.

Okay, I have to share this. It's too unbelievably ridiculous to not to be shared.

I have reached a real milestone as a server. A rite of passage, if you will.

That's right, I've been Yelp!-ed.

Let's begin with the whole story. I picked up a waitressing shift at Live Bait last Friday as a favor. I admit that I may have not been my most chipper, but I certainly wasn't in any kind of nasty mood. I was going about my business, waiting on my tables with my usual amount of cheer and attentiveness. I'm a pretty spunky gal. And I'm a really good waitress...up to a point. I simply DO NOT tolerate rudeness. So, here's what went down. A rather lumberjack-y looking, readheaded, bearded twentysomething man and his two older companions sat down in my section. I went up to take their order, and already something is off putting to me about this bearded guy, but whatever. Just a general air of arrogance and entitlement. Did I mention he looked like a fat lumberjack? Well, he did.

All sandwiches at Live Bait come with a choice of french fries, coleslaw, or salad ( a question that I have asked approximately 2343.9033 million times in the last year and a half). Paul Bunyan tells me he wants french fries, but he also wants a salad as well. Fine. The lady he's with orders a cup of soup to start, and the third guy orders no appetizer, but chooses salad as his side order for his ENTREE.

I put the order in the computer, and like any waitress with a modicum of common sense, I send out the cup of soup and the gingerman's extra salad first, before the entrees. I glance over a few minutes later, and the man who DID NOT ORDER AN APPETIZER is eating Beardy McGee's salad. I find that weird, but I assume maybe he gave it to him? Whatever. Not my meal, I don't care.

Moments later, I'm standing at the computer, and extra salad guy comes up to me and says, very rudely, "I don't know what happened but I think 'they' gave me salad to my friend".

I sort of just look at him, and reply "well, he didn't order a salad, so why did he eat it?"

"They gave it to him, not to me. Don't you have some kind of system so that they give the food to the right people?"

"We DO have a system, but sometimes people make mistakes. Do you want me to get you another salad? I'm more than happy to get another salad".

"No, don't bother. they're already passed that point in the meal."

At this point, he's being really grumbly and rude. Remember, he sat and watched someone else WHO DIDN'T ORDER A SALAD eat his. He waddles back to his table, and I go clear they appetizer plates and he makes a huffy comment about how they "still are going to need silverware".

OH, THANK YOU, you genius of dining. Thanks for assuming I wasn't going to bring you MORE.

At this point, I'm busy, so I don't get around to filling up their water or checking on them constantly. Not that I'm in any hurry to, when you're rude to me I'm not going to bend over backwards for your 8 dollar tip.

Which, by the way, they stiffed me. Which was to be expected. But in my mind, my dignity is worth way more than kissing your fat ass for 8 dollars, so I'll forgo the tip and take back the power by making you be thirsty for the remainder of your meal. HA! Take that!

Oh, I forgot to mention that as I walked past I heard him growling about how "he used to be a server" blah blah blah. Yeah, I get it. You think you can do my job better than me. If you've been a server before, then you wouldn't come up to me and speak to me like I am devoid of intellect. I went to college, buddy. I'm just working this job to pursue true happiness, unlike you who probably hates chopping down trees for a living.

On the way out, I heard him ask another server, very sweetly to make it seem like he likes me, what my name was, and I immediately knew what was going to happen. He was going to go home, create a Yelp! account because he doesn't already have one, and write something nasty about me because I could tell from the second he sat down that he was that kind of sad and petty person.

And I was right. You can read it all here:

http://www.yelp.com/biz/live-bait-new-york?rpp=40&sort_by=date_desc

Second one down. The most recent one was written by my dear friend, who not only do I wait on frequently, but is one of the most awesome people I know. Defending my honor on Yelp!, now that's friendship.

Some people should not be allowed to eat out. But what do I know? I'm just a waitress.

i want, i need, i can, i will

there's just no question about it.

i want to travel the world. i want to see places that sound alien and impossible to my limited perspective. not just the beautiful and awe inspiring, but the haggard, desperate and ugly. the places that will make me forever grateful to call such a charmed place home, and inspire me to to work to spread such privilege elsewhere.

i want to pet an elephant. to see a blue whale in person. to wrap my arms around a tree older than Jesus Christ. to see dolphins engage atypical social behaviors. to run from a beetle bigger than my fist. to see plants that can swallow insects whole.

i want to fight fervently for a cause that I truly believe in. to see the day in which sexual preference will not mean restriction of liberty. i want to understand how anyone could deny equality to another human being based on sexuality.... but I never, EVER will. I want to live to see the day where there is no need to hide, explain, or edit your choices in matters of love and family.

i want to amaze someone with my ability to love without fear. to have a boyfriend i just don't care that much about. not to be cruel, just to learn. to inspire someone to not shut down, to have them see me as the freshest breath of air. to have someone delight in my insanity and idiosyncrasy. to have someone shake the very roots of my foundation and self image, yet find that I was right all along, but passionately embrace his suggestions.

to create. to fulfill, inspire, connect. to embrace my loss of direction as a happy detour. to take a wrong turn that turns out to be the place I was heading all along. to fuck up royally. to dissemble. recreate. edit, polish, rebuild.

to not feel like an outsider. to feel magical. vibrant. shimmering. absurd. open. loving loving loving loving.

to have my inability to not open myself wholeheartedly -not- be my downfall, but my one true gift. my Excalibur. My wand with the phoenix feather core. my ....whatever it is that sets one apart from the frightened masses.

i want to not give a shit that you might read this and call me a cheese ball. actually, I don't give a shit if you call me a cheese ball. i really don't. I'm special. you're scared.

to shape young lives. to make something of the fact that I understand children better than I do adults. to stop feeling like the only other beings in my world are rushed, hunched over, unhappy creatures that just fill the time between diaper and death with a 9-5 safety net.

to feel like i'm doing it all right and all wrong, all at the same amazing, confusing, enlightening time.

that's not too much to ask, now, is it?