i want, i need, i can, i will

there's just no question about it.

i want to travel the world. i want to see places that sound alien and impossible to my limited perspective. not just the beautiful and awe inspiring, but the haggard, desperate and ugly. the places that will make me forever grateful to call such a charmed place home, and inspire me to to work to spread such privilege elsewhere.

i want to pet an elephant. to see a blue whale in person. to wrap my arms around a tree older than Jesus Christ. to see dolphins engage atypical social behaviors. to run from a beetle bigger than my fist. to see plants that can swallow insects whole.

i want to fight fervently for a cause that I truly believe in. to see the day in which sexual preference will not mean restriction of liberty. i want to understand how anyone could deny equality to another human being based on sexuality.... but I never, EVER will. I want to live to see the day where there is no need to hide, explain, or edit your choices in matters of love and family.

i want to amaze someone with my ability to love without fear. to have a boyfriend i just don't care that much about. not to be cruel, just to learn. to inspire someone to not shut down, to have them see me as the freshest breath of air. to have someone delight in my insanity and idiosyncrasy. to have someone shake the very roots of my foundation and self image, yet find that I was right all along, but passionately embrace his suggestions.

to create. to fulfill, inspire, connect. to embrace my loss of direction as a happy detour. to take a wrong turn that turns out to be the place I was heading all along. to fuck up royally. to dissemble. recreate. edit, polish, rebuild.

to not feel like an outsider. to feel magical. vibrant. shimmering. absurd. open. loving loving loving loving.

to have my inability to not open myself wholeheartedly -not- be my downfall, but my one true gift. my Excalibur. My wand with the phoenix feather core. my ....whatever it is that sets one apart from the frightened masses.

i want to not give a shit that you might read this and call me a cheese ball. actually, I don't give a shit if you call me a cheese ball. i really don't. I'm special. you're scared.

to shape young lives. to make something of the fact that I understand children better than I do adults. to stop feeling like the only other beings in my world are rushed, hunched over, unhappy creatures that just fill the time between diaper and death with a 9-5 safety net.

to feel like i'm doing it all right and all wrong, all at the same amazing, confusing, enlightening time.

that's not too much to ask, now, is it?